Film Review - Borat

BORAT

A Film Review By
Le Chupacabra

Age Rating: 18+
Genre: Comedy/Documentary

Borat: Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem too: economic, social and Jew.

Pause yourself, open wide and breathe.

That’s something you’ll clearly forget to do while watching this film! Why? Simply because you’ll either be laughing to the point of suffocation or coughing out every bit of your life in utter revulsion.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan or more commonly (and painlessly), Borat is a documentary-style film that takes our loveable Kazakhstani reporter on a cross country romp through the USA. On the way, laws will be broken, social morals will be shattered and the fabric of society will unravel as Borat Sagdiyev attempts to learn about American culture while giving offering a bit of his own in return.

At its heart this film is a pretty well-disguised satire that liberally takes a few jabs, if not full-fledged punches, at the face of American society. Of course, if you don’t want to think too much about the hidden, postmodern agenda of Borat, it still happens to be one that’s utterly hilarious and oh-so-wrong at every step of the way.

While a lot of the humour seems to be exceedingly crude, it’s also quite ingenious and hides a subtler message in its facets. Simultaneously, it’s also extremely blatant and in-your-face when it comes to touchier (oh the irony) topics such as anti-Semetism and rights against feminism. Sacha Baron Cohen is a man who knows how to write up excellent satire whereas Borat is one who says anything on his mind – together we have a character who knows he’s wrong but doesn’t give a damn and all the while, drags the audience along for a rollercoaster ride of endless laughter. There’s something brilliant about the way the ridiculously accented Borat just manages to bring about the most brazen emotions from people who would otherwise think twice before hooting and hollering to something like “May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq!”.

There are numerous points in the film where you’ll just burst out – even though that little voice at the back of your mind is tutting away. While being extremely funny, there are also moments that will make you cringe, if not completely writhe, in absolute disgust. You’ll know what I’m talking about… trust me! (Dear god, the memories burn….)

A little warning here seems fair: if you are one who takes offence quite easily (oh and trust me, Borat will take any and all opportunities for that) then you would be better off avoiding this film. Even though I find this absolutely hilarious, there were still portions that were just plain wrong.

In the end however, you’ll still come out a giggling mess of flesh and bone that’ll stop chuckling only to quote a random one-liner and thus reducing yourself to hysteria yet again. Just make sure you’ve got some like-minded friends with you on this journey! Ah, good times…

The Cracks of Doom

The Cracks of Doom

By Le Chupacabra

The World as we know it is rife with the mysterious, the unknown and the weird. How were the Pyramids erected? What sinister power curses the Bermuda Triangle? Why the hell did the Sumerians go and invent school? Answers that, ultimately, may remain... unanswered.

Even in our little motherland of Bangladesh, we are besieged by that which we know not of. But beyond ghosts, djinns and other horrific folklore there lies a greater evil. A place of utter horror, steeped in a sickly darkness from which there is no escape. The pungent odours there are enough to melt the very skin off your flesh. These are The Cracks of Doom...

...the Deshi

...Sewers.

An intrepid and brave (and utterly gullible) group of explorers from the organization known only as the Rising Stars decided to face this peril to bring back news to the outer world.

So what unspeakable evils did we find in those putrid depths? Read on…

Teenage Mutant Nin… er… Ganja Turtles

TMNT got cancelled a long time back both here and abroad. Why? Well we asked the former prime time stars while trying not to get high on the mass quantities of rotten, old Ganja these guys… erm… reptiles were smoking. Theirs’ was a tragedy of getting lost in the Big Sewers of the Big Apple. Since they were going for authenticity for a particular episode, they filmed in a real sewer. It wasn’t long until they Michelangelo, driven insane by the smell of pizza (now he admits it was probably something else), followed his nose. The others followed up. They ended up near a huge waterfall pipe which was conjoined to the International Sewer Route®… and you know where this is going, right? Suffice to say, that’s sort of what their story sounded like. It was hard enough not to feel high when surrounded by brown, intoxicating smoke, but then they’d be using “dude!” after every two words followed by “Cowabunga!” at the end of every sentence. Our translators had to work through the Witching Hour® to decipher this stuff. Applaud them! Sadly the TMGTs were starting to get a little rowdy and began flailing around their weapons like little kids. It was definitely the time to move on.

Underground Bands

Ah, yes. The most sought out profession of this teenage generation: being the member of an ‘underground’ band. Of course all isn’t about head-banging and becoming ridiculously hirsute. There are those who have tasted fame and stayed up at the top. And there are those who slipped on the proverbial banana peel and have fallen in poop. We’re not naming any names. Seeing more Ganja smoke in the tunnels led us to believe that the TMGT were back to maul us, but no there was something else. A lot of drawling, ‘I-think-I’m-American/I’m-a-pure-Bangalee’ voices were drifting towards us. And then, an utterly detestable cacophony of what some might call ‘music’ assaulted our very ears. We rushed to the scene, afraid that some lost soul was being tortured to death by a group of savage Sewer Dwellers®. We were wrong. Clad in tattered black clothes, faded (but now green, due to reasons that cannot be printed) jeans and tangled, horrifying locks of hair, they lay haplessly on the floor. They were the Rejected. Some were instantly recognisable – they had, after all, been in the limelight for the duration of an entire song. Otherwise it was like The Attack of Stoned Cloned. Some had broken instruments on their laps and were attacking them with vigour causing them to emit screeching noises not unlike the ones people hear just before being run over by a truck. And the ones without the tools? They were head-banging in complete and perfect sync with each other. It was like some cult and it was scarier than the blue poop our rear-lookout found – now, that was scary. Suffice to say, even the Ku Klux Klan would have found it disturbing.

BBQ (Bangla-Bhai-Qaeda) Coalition HQ

Yes, people have been speculating for years and they’re right! Al-Qaeda’s Bangladesh branch office is indeed one born of a joint venture. Known only as the BBQ Coalition HQ, what better location could one think of for maintaining secrecy than our Deshi Sewers? The people there were quite nice actually! They even acquiesced to use silenced rifles should we ‘see too much’. According to the BBQ representative, the Deshi Sewers provide perfect cover from even the most sophisticated of surveillance tools. Even the most powerful satellite sees the region as a sickening green hue. Reconnaissance robots’ electronically integrated systems immediately fail upon contact with the ever-permeating odour. He commended the ‘deshi people for adapting to such a lethal, noxious fume. Contrary to popular belief, there are manholes in the sewer floor which are there for maintaining ‘liveable’ standards in such a place. These are opened up whenever the USA sends over covert ops specialists. The current body count stands at 67. At one point the man pulled out an AK-47 and asked us whether we’d like to buy any. He agreed to throw in ‘fake’, metal-tipped bullets for free. We graciously (while muttering any and all prayers we could remember) managed to leave (with all limbs intact) with a simple ‘BBQ or Bust… literally’ support button each. Oh, and a fake beard apiece as well.

The Mole-men Conspiracy

They have always been there, yet we of the outer world lack the high level of perception to see them. A race as old as the sewers themselves, the Mole-men have toiled endlessly to make sure we never forget the existence of the underground. Sewage over-spills, stolen manhole covers (which cause people to fall through during floods) and the fermented vapours that emanate forth are all their doing. Standing 4-foot high, their entire bodies are covered in various waste materials, with many an appendage sticking out from awkward angles and erm… places. Only their shockingly shiny eyes and blinding white teeth betray an otherwise indiscernible camouflage. When asked, they smiled in their usual terrifying manner and declared that no bacteria can stand the cleansing power of raw sewage – thus, their pearly whites of legend. Each one is equipped with what appears to be a toilet brush. Muddied by god-knows-what (okay, fine… you know what it is) it is right of passage for this members of this faction. Frequent tournaments are held to see who possesses the highest level of skill with their weapon. Around then, their smiles grew more maniacal and they began to spar and brandish their tools with a flourish. Definitely a good time to leg it, sharpish.

Pirates of the Seven Sea…wers

We sensed the waters (if you want to call it that) swell as if in turmoil and realised… something (although everything here could be classified as ‘something’) was approaching. And it appeared. A ‘magnificent’ craft hewn solely from things unmentionable was approaching us at great speed. A song heralding death broke forth and we suddenly knew what it was: pirates! Alas! It was too late and we were inevitably caught face to face… with small, bespectacled little chaps. Instead of a Jolly Roger there was a CD flapping in the wind and it seemed to be on fire. These were no mere pirates; they were heroes! Thanks to them we have been spared the absurdity of paying (gasp!) full price for our CDs and DVDs. Working endlessly into the night, the pir@tes (as they declare themselves as) churn out hundreds, nay thousands of pir@ted™ discs every month. Our ‘deshi shopkeepers have had many a quota fulfilled thanks to this brave group. The leader, a grizzled veteran with an eye-patch made of what was once a pink Verbatim CD-R, told us that the RIAA and other anti-piracy lobbies had tracked them down and threatened them with billion-dollar lawsuits. How did the Pir@tes respond? Everyone began giant belly laughs unbecoming of their stature and the leader silently mouthed something and all of them became quiet. ‘E-mail Spam’ he said. We bowed graciously and took our leave. Things were starting to get on the hairy side. Yes, hairier than the Underground band members we confronted, if possible.

Should you ever wish to embark upon a journey requiring the highest levels of testicular fortitude and one that will test the mettle, physical and mental, of anyone… then traverse to the Deshi Sewers. It’s an expedition of a lifetime and the memories will be seared in your mind (and nose) for an eternity. For now, we of the organisation known only as the Rising Stars bid you farewell. Adieu!

The Grinch and the Spirit of Eid

The Grinch and the Spirit of Eid

By Le Chupacabra

Waking up that early in the morning is bad enough... but waking up to take a freezing cold shower?

Insanity is the word.

I mean, sure, you wait for an entire month (give or take a day) for that very occasion. Expensive clothes are purchased, tantalising dishes are made and stocked away in the fridge and wallets/purses are emptied for the influx of more green stuff. Yeah, that's right. It's none other than Eid-ul-Fitr.

Not to insult the religion or anyone, sometimes one thinks that as time goes on even a simple, enjoyable occasion like this can get bogged down with too many... um... attachments. That begs the question: are there too many strings attached in order to make Eid-ul-Fitr a truly joyous celebration?

Firstly, there's the unnecessary task of visiting various tailors and seamstresses all for the purpose of having them craft seven to eight pieces of overtly extravagant apparel that one will don only for a day or two. Okay, maybe they will garb themselves in those very vestments once all memory on the part of others has faded, but by that time, they'll have amassed yet another wardrobe of items. Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Of course, there are also the pre-Eid preparations that go on for three to four nights prior to the occasion. Sweet delectables of innumerable colours and shapes are everywhere in the kitchen and recall descriptions from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’. Yet sadly, the bulk of these end up un-devoured and are relegated to becoming tea-time snacks long after Eid has passed. Mountains of pulao, biriyani and ritualistic accompaniments such as roasts, thick daal and other items are cooked to perfection and gloriously laid out in the finest platters available. Hey, I wouldn't dream of complaining about this! But thinking from the perspective of the mothers (and domestic staff) who toil away till 2AM at night, I don't think it's a very enjoyable thing. It certainly looks great, smells great and it sure as hell tastes fantastic, but after you've spent so long being bombarded with the same aroma for hours, the palatability is certainly lower for them. Plus, the fact is our moms set aside their daily activities to channel their energies in order to work like maniacs so that others can eat happily the next day. Routine? Yes, but it's also unnecessarily tiring methinks. All that work for one single day?

Then there's the whole task of Eidis. Normally I don't mind what I get, but I've seen the little ones look utterly depressed when a single, crisp 500Tk note is lovingly given to them. Yeah, at one time, the kids were bothered about how many notes they got regardless of monetary value, but with these new, cheeky little monkeys, it seems they've figured out the art of value. It's funny albeit annoying to see an 8-year old moping in a corner on glorious Eid day just because his Eidi haul was unsatisfactory. What happened to just enjoying Eid for the heck of it?

Going back to the first sentence, there are my personal qualms as well: the hours just before the Imam breaks the ice by announcing Eid. Waking up early in the morning is not my forte, and when there's a free, icy cold shower offer attached to the deal, it's doubly annoying. Personally, I hate the payjama-panjabi dress combination: it’s just bloody annoying. Having to wrestle myself into a pair while being half-asleep is none too enjoyable an experience. Since the mosque we go to commences the prayers before the others, we need to get there fast and early. I still wonder if I’ve said the niyaat right for the past few years since I was usually drowsing off most of the time.

Having said all that, I once again thought of the question I asked: are there too many strings attached in order to make Eid-ul-Fitr a truly joyous celebration? Maybe so. However, once you get home from the mosque and come home to spend the rest of the day eating, drinking, laughing and generally having a truly enjoyable time with your friends and family, you realise all those niggles and annoyances are just insubstantial. So the true answer to that question is a resounding and heartfelt ‘NO!’ because in the end, Eid’s all about the love, innit?

So for all of you people out there… Eid grumblers included…

Eid Mubarak!

PS2 Game Review - Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects

MARVEL NEMESIS
RISE OF THE IMPERFECTS

By Le Chupacabra

There are crap games and there are utterly shit games. Now, wheeeeere to place this one on the Craptacular meter, hmm? Probably near the top five, for resembling poo to the nth degree.

That's right, EA has done it again.

Blowing at least a few million green, they roped in all the assets that most companies could dream of. A license from Marvel, original Marvel scribes, artists, et al. Coupling that with a concept that would cause comic fans' heads to explode with sheer joy, nothing could have gone wrong… provided that EA wasn't in charge.

I mean, in terms of presentation its pretty, not-sh*t. It uses a heavily stylised look for the characters which recalls the CG animated Spider-Man they used to show a few months back. Menus are slick, sophisticated and are pretty user-friendly, natch. That's sort of what EA's good at, innit? The new characters are also very well-designed since a major artist from Marvel was in charge of doing so. Good eye-candy here. Even, the character voices are well-done and while they're not the ones we're used to hearing in the animated Marvel shows, they're good sound-alikes that get the job done.

Unfortunately, I'm done praising this game already.
Sadly, in terms of the actual meat-and-potatoes, the gameplay, this once-promising title, really, really lacks. Really. Unlike the traditional side-perspective of fighting games this is more like a brawler set in a sort of boxed, interactive arena so you can move around the characters and let them do what they do best. In other words, it's a huge chance to mess up on making a game when you don't stick to the basics. Movement is rather sluggish for all, so you're only left to get a feel for the characters unique traits via animation and moves alone. The animations themselves are rather stilted and it seems like everyone has Play-Dough crammed up their joints. Unless a character has an auto-aiming attack (like Spider-Man's web missiles), you might as well be circling your opponent for all eternity if you want to hit. More Craptacular™ points here. The environments are interactive to the point that you can pick and chuck random stuff and damage the playing field. BUT, it lacks a certain sense of cohesion. When I use the Thing to flatten a car I want to see it implode into a crushed mass of nothingness, dammit. I refuse to get a generic explosion and end up with what looks like a black pencil case. The same applies for most things. If you want interactive destruction with a Marvel super-hero, look no further than the utterly addictive and suitably violent Hulk: Ultimate Destruction.

Here, the hits are meekly punctuated with what sounds like bizatch-slapping and special powers aren't as impressive as you'd thought they'd be. You might think it'd be awesome to bust out Wolverine's adamantium claws and lacerate your foe with a berserker barrage. Not here. Provided you actually manage to hit your opponent (a rarity with close-combat chars) you'll go into a set animation of been-there-done-that combos that just about ruin the fact that you're playing as one of the coolest characters on the Marvel roster. It's sad, to say the least. At least the grunts are authentic, so I gotta give kudos there. The controls are very iffy as well. It eschews the more traditionalist set up and ends up with a 3rd person/fighting hybrid that's a pain to use. Another bad aspect is that the new characters, The Imperfects as they are called, are just that absolutely imperfect. They feel more like different skins for the Marvel chars than anything else. With utterly ridiculous and laughably lame storylines for each (sadly, they were penned by a revered Marvel scribe), they don't come across as enticing or likeable as any of the Marvel group. But once again, most of your starting roster incorporates these freaks. In order to unlock more Marvel goodness, you have to plunge your head in the toilet after you've RELIEVED yourself, natch you must play the story mode. Words cannot describe how insanely boring, frustrating or pathetic it was. If you want a camp, yet really fun 'fighting game-action/adventurer', Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks offers hours of old school goodness full of high-pitched yelling, gory fatalities and tense boss fights. On the flip side, Marvel Nemesis is just plain sucktacular. It is not worth going through the pain of story mode just to unlock the Marvel characters. There are way better Marvel-based games out there (The Marvel vs. Capcom series being a shining example). Just… just stick to the starting roster and keep playing Versus mode if you insist on playing this game.

I have to admit, initially it was slightly fun (the Versus mode that is, not the story mode) but even then, that lost its appeal. If a fighting game can't retain itself through versus mode, then all hope is lost.

I was really hyped up about this game. The screenshots looked tantalising and the concept seemed brilliant (after all, Marvel vs. Capcom is one the most popular fighting games ever). However, despite a flashy, presentation, everything just plain sucked. There, you heard it here. Now back to Soul Calibur II…

BeyBlade: The New Obsession

BeyBlade: The new Obsession

By Le Chupacabra

No, I’m not here to sing praises in the honour of the latest and greatest (?!) fad that has the kids of the nation gripped. In fact, this is a, shall we say, rant against the absurdity that is BeyBlade.

Okay, the whole fiasco began with Pokémon. They showed the anime on Cartoon Network, kids loved and soon they were after the merchandise, as it is with most things of the same nature. Stores went ballistic with selling thousands of Pokémon Trading Cards. In fact, people are still buying them! Gotta catch ‘em all, right?

Then Toonami India bagged another pathetic anime license (I mean what gives? Where’s FMA, Naruto, Cowboy Bebop… the good stuff?). This time they got yet another tournament-based one by the name of BeyBlade. Now, if you thought Pokémon was grating and annoying, then don’t ruin your day with this one. I mean, seriously, what if the “Blade Breakers” are faced with a dire situation of horrific proportions: a puppy is in distress and must be rescued! *cue dramatic music* Now since they’re all “beybladers” it would be utter sacrilege if they tried to save the mutt by conventional methods. So what would they do? They’d “let it riiiiipp!!!” with their beyblades. Ah yes, the many uses of a spinning top know no bounds. This should give you an idea on how even the most mundane problems on the show are impossible to overcome unless they bust out their “blades”. The fights are the typical “But-haha!-I’ve-yet-to-reveal-my-true-power!” style slugfests. It doesn’t get more “been there, done that” than this. The characters are also the epitome of stereotypical-ness. Coupled with the whole “Americanization” process (more on that another day), a rather lacklustre show was made even lamer. God, don’t even mention the “new and improved” music…

BUT defying all logic, this show is a huge hit with younger public. Smelling the green once again our ‘deshi’ stores have been bringing in the goods on a near-constant basis. Unlike Pokémon, where the games and cards were the nearest you could get to the experience, with Beyblade, they’ve stepped it one notch further. That’s right kids! You can now buy your very own beyblades and tournament rings right here! All your “favourite” beyblade avatars are available in toy-stores across the nation. Just go into any of them and ask for “Beb-let” and you’ll be presented with a dusty collection of little spinning tops that can be launched into battle! Why not even form a little group and give yourself some silly name while you’re at it! The thoughts are sickening…

While waiting for my car one day, I decided to check out Metro Plaza to pass the hours. It was scary to say the least. Large paper signs proclaiming “Beblet! Beblet! Beblet! Come to our store to buy! Yadda Yadda…” were almost everywhere to be seen on the first floor. What was even scarier were the hordes of little kids dragging their moms and dads into stores to buy them a beyblade so they too can be part of the “in” crowd! I went into one of these stores, looked around to make sure no other customer was there and mumbled “Beyblade ache?” The shopkeeper’s eyes lit up, he gave me a large yellow-toothed smile and yelled to his assistant to bring out all the beyblades, sorry “beb-lets”, they had. A very dusty pile of crushed and otherwise, severely abused, plastic toy cases were dumped in front of me. The packaging was faded and the toys themselves looked like they’d been brought here in a leaky old freighter which was on its last propeller. There was kanji all over the packaging proclaiming god knows what and a bunch of “blade” stats at the back. The tops were pitifully small and the paint-work was horrible. Some looked like one small bump would shatter them. Out of curiosity, I asked for the price. I was expecting maybe 100 to 250 at the most since they did come with launchers. I WAS NOT expecting a number like 600. And those were the cheap ones! He also brought out slightly bigger beyblades (in better condition, thankfully) with absurd features like metallic rims and specifications like “low grip rolling” and “semi-flat turning” and what-not. I didn’t dare ask the prices of those ones. Then to finish it off he brought out the créme of his collection, a boxed beyblade set with two large beyblades and a tournament arena (which is just a nicer word for “large metallic bowl”). The price was astronomical. I know people’s spending habits can be odd, but why the hell would you spend so much on that rather cheap, trashy looking stuff? Weren’t wooden tops and string good enough?

A few weeks back my kid brother was invited to a birthday party. It wasn’t a normal party either! On the invitation card was written in big bold letters (with pictures) “BeyBlade Tournament”! I almost fell over. The stories I heard after he got back only confirmed it all: the kids have simply gone mad thanks to “beb-let”.

I only shudder to think what’s next in this line of anime fads…

Gaming Cliches That Refuse To Die

Gaming Clichés That Refuse To Die

By Le Chupacabra

Games have been around for ages. Well okay 20 years-ish to be exact. Though games are known for the creativity they bolster, some things just never change. And thus was born… the “gaming cliché”! *cue thunder and lightening*

Bullet-Time

Ever since The Matrix, Max Payne used it. Prince of Persia used it. Enter the Matrix obviously used it. It made sense. But when you start using bullet-time in games like NHL 2004 or Tony Hawk’s Underground or racing games, I think someone’s overdoing it! I mean, bullet-time is fine and dandy, but does it really have to be in every damn game? I don’t believe that WWII soldiers could slow down time itself whenever their “adrenaline” was peaked.

Female characters

It’s not that female characters are themselves clichéd; it’s just how developers portray them. It seems that developers think that the average gamer’s idea of the opposite sex is a ridiculously-proportioned, dollar-figured bombshell who has to wear hot-pants and an incredibly tight top or any other super-skimpy clothes for that matter. Developers, women have breasts. Just accept it.

Collectibles

Stars, eggs, coins, monkeys - so many items, so little time! Platforming games are the prime offenders here. It’s not enough that you have to jump and grab ledges with Zen-like precision but you also have to collect what-not just to proceed. Nothing ruins immersion like finally defeating the main boss and finding out that you can’t watch the “real” ending unless you go back and pick up the slimy blue blobs you gave up collecting after the 1094325th one.

Sneaking Around

Fine: Metal Gear Solid, Splinter Cell and Thief were games that are centered on the concept of playing stealthily. But what do you say to a game that hands you a huge arsenal of weapons, gives you a playing (read: slaying) ground full of gloriously stupid goons and even lets you call in carpet bombing attacks… but… it asks you to go around undetected or else it’s game over? Mercenaries I’m looking at you…

The GTA-clone

The Japanese believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but there’s a limit to copying. Ever since GTA 3 came out, every bloody game has to have “open-ended gameplay”. I mean from Jak II to Tony Hawk’s to the blatant-but-still-not-quite rip-offs like True Crime… every game has seems to have jack-able vehicles and wide open areas. Why can’t games just do their own thing?

Button mashing mini-games

Ever get to those parts in a game where you’re taken out of the normal gameplay just to play some obscure mini-game? So you’re going along, minding your own business, when a cutscene suddenly plays: it must be time for some big boss fight! Ominous music plays and you get yourself prepared and arm all your weapons - this is it! You’re about to face the boss head-on when all of a sudden: “Rapidly Tap [button] to proceed”… no wonder so many people have broken controllers.

The Anti-hero…hero

Why does every single main character have to have the following attributes: (1) an overdone gruff, gravely voice (2) an angst-y, I-hate-the-world attitude (3) and a five-o’-clock shadow? Oh and they also have to have complete body-builder muscles. They always have to be out for some random, non-specific revenge and the use of cheesy one-liners is a must. I mean, is it too much to ask for a good guy who actually is a, you know, good friendly person?

God-mode

It all started with a game named Doom. When players couldn’t take the horror of facing three small bunnies even when armed with a tactical nuke, they turned to their one solace: god-mode. Yes, in god-mode you can become completely invulnerable: insusceptible to anything and everything they throw at you… like a god. One thing however, even gods die whenever they fall into the small hidden holes in the ground…

Boxes/Crates

Game developers are often too lazy to think of ways to fill their levels so they fall upon the oldest gaming cliché of all time: boxes. Small boxes, pink boxes, weird boxes, wooden boxes, steel boxes, heck boxed boxes… there is no dearth of them. Some games add them just to show off their “physics engine” while others just make smashing boxes an integral part of gameplay. As you all know, breakable boxes all contain coins / valuables / bombs / everything-you-need-to-get-past-something. Seriously, just let this one die!

Sequel-itis

Final Fantasy XI, Tekken 5, FIFA 200-god-knows-which-year-we’re-on… no movie or book could ever beat games for the barrage of sequels they can churn out. While movies can go into the 2s and 3s, for games, prepare to see numbers that head into the double digits. Worst of all, most of the time, it’s more or less the same game with marginally improved graphics and sound. I mean should I really buy NBA Live 2005 because it boasts a “dynamic new animation system” but it actually looks more or less like the 2001 version, except shinier? It’s high time we saw some new names! Heck, give us the same game if you have to devs, but just stop numbering them!

Xbox 360: The Other Side

Xbox 360: The Other Side

By Le Chupacabra

While good old Niloy will be writing to keep you guys informed and anticipating MicroSoft's new console, I'm not going to do any such thing. Instead I'll be taking various, below-the-belt and unnecessary pot-shots at the X360. Why? Well, umm… because I was bored!...

So, what to pick on first, hmm? How…about… the name! No, seriously. The Xbox 2 was acceptable. Xbox Next was kind of catchy and maybe, people could have somehow called it Xenon (the codename) as well. But, nooo. Micro$oft (M$) had to think of something 'fresh' and 'original'. Isn't 360o a full rotation? Doesn't that mean that the new Xbox will go full circle and end up second to Sony again?

Now comes the console itself. I'm not going to bother with technical specs since both PS3 and X360 are scarily powerful. However… the aesthetic design of the Xbox 2 leaves a lot to be desired. Okay, what I really meant was: how the heck did M$ get away with that! Fine, the PS2 and Xbox weren't exactly stylish pieces of hardware (though PS2 Slim sure is), but they could have done something more original this generation, right? Right? Wrong. While the PS3 has opted for a sleek, printer-like look, M$ pulled an Apple and ended up with something that looks like a prototype for a new iPod. Infact, if the 'X'-logo wasn't there, I could've sworn it was an iPod. Shame on you, Gates. Even with all that money you can't afford to get someone more creative to design your new console. Maybe all that success is getting to you, right Bill? It's pitiful indeed.

Next up, we have the games. While M$ plans to release about "40-50 games on launch", only a handful have been announced and a fewer have been shown. The ones shown have been "Meh!" at best. If the X360 was coming out next year, it would make sense. But for a console that's being released in a few months, the games are looking mighty pathetic. Graphics are good indeed (nothing "next-gen" though), but why-oh-why is the animation stuck in a limbo of bone-shattering spasms? There are also games that claim to be able to output thousands of characters on-screen. That's a great thing… if the characters weren't all just copy-pasted a zillion times! No variety, no nothing. Every single enemy is just like the next. Seeing a game like that in action or even in a screen shot makes one dizzy. At least the Clone Troopers in Star Wars have rank colours so you could make out Clone#45 from #569. Nothing doing on X360, guv'nor. Coupled with the stop-motion animation, it looks like you're wading through a bog made entirely of the same goon. Not nice.

So what if Halo 3 is coming out. It's still far off. While 'Gears of War' and 'Perfect Dark: Zero' have people drooling online, note this: Gears of War is really nothing special and Rare haven't really been able to do anything brilliant since the N64, despite their pedigree (007: Golden Eye, Perfect Dark and Conker's Bad Fur Day). If you think X360's cutting it with sports games you'd be wrong again. Since EA is the monopoly there, expect all the FIFAs and NHLs to be out on all the consoles. Even the old ones. Also, while Japan has 'pledged' [read: been heavily and not-so-secretly paid to give] support for the X360, the games in development have been lacklustre at best. Tecmo main-man, Itagaki-san (Ninja Gaiden, Dead or Alive series, Fatal Frame series), always keen on working with M$ only had scathing remarks about his contemporaries. Not a good sign, indeed. I know the Xbox had only 1 good game to like 20 of the same on PS2, but isn't it embarrassing for M$ to be repeating the same mistake twice?

Lastly come M$'s announcements of the X360. So what are we expecting from the next generation? Ultrahyperuberlicious (is that even a word?) graphics, superb gameplay and extreme multiplayer action are some. Besides that we definitely want our fair share of media options, connectivity, backward-compatibility (basically being able to play last gen's games on the new one… a good way to finish that RPG you've been putting off for years) and wireless controllers. After all, all three (Ninty, Sony and M$) have been putting a lot of emphasis on controllers in this, the next generation. However, some of M$'s "strategic announcements" kind of change a lot. First off the bat were some mumblings about "selective backward-compatibility". Ears were pricked and eye-brows were raised. Hehe, we all knew what was coming. Due to "technical difficulties" M$ would only allow select Xbox titles to be played on the new console. Well, it's not too bad, considering that most people play only Halo 2 anyway. But they were still shafting a few million others. That wasn't the end. Recently they announced something else. The Xbox 360 is coming in two versions. Remember all M$'s assurances of how the Xbox 360 would be affordable and cheap? Well here's the real picture. There's a "Value" edition at 299$ (typical console launch price). Of course, the "value" version of anything usually has to "sacrifice some 'minor' components for the sake of cost-effectiveness". In this case, the "value" edition comes with a wired controller (in the next generation? For shame…) and NO backwards compatibility!

That's right, so if Johnny Knotagamer, the quintessential casual gamer, wants to play his still-shiny copy of Halo 2 on the Value pack… well, tough luck kid. However, he can still have the option of selling his kidney to earn a hefty $400 (And people say the PS3 is going to be expensive!) so he too can enjoy the benefits of playing old games with a new wireless controller! And a face-plate! Another one of M$'s announcements was to be able to customize your Xbox 360 by purchasing (at "affordable" prices) face-plates that change the front palette of your console. So yeah, if you happen to like pink flowers or something you can shell out 15$ for a face-plate with such. A "perfect" distraction on those long Xbox 360 game loads, eh? If you don't like it, well too bad, buy another one. The word "superficial" can be accompanied by a resounding slap on the forehead for this one. Let's not mention how M$ will let you buy game skins, models, etc. at "cheap" prices on Xbox Live! Marketplace… with real money. Oh boy, a Rusty Dagger +2 for only 2.99$? What a deal! Meh.

While, I'm not saying the Xbox 360 is going to fail, it does have some glaring flaws, as do the PS3 (what is it's real performance?) and Ninty Revolution (does it really exist?). Let this article not anger you who are of Xbox fanboy blood. It's all in good fun.

I think...