PS2 Game Review - Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks

Mortal Kombat:

Shaolin Monks

A PS2 Game Review
By Le Chupacabra

'Liu Kang! We must stop the evil emperor Shang Tsung!'
'Yes, we must… for he is… evil!'

Now imagine saying that in the most pathetic of pseudo-Oriental accents whilst pausing after. Every. Single. Word. Like. This. In the meantime, you should be making hand-gestures like the rappers in music videos; with each hand raising and falling with the pauses. Makes for a pretty entertaining dance, eh?

Anyway, back on topic. This game has the funniest (although, unintentionally) cutscenes I've seen in quite some time. The voice acting is ridiculously camp and the body language even more so. The dialogue makes no sense whatsoever and the attempts at genuine humour? Well let's say they're hilarious, but not in the way the developers intended.

Now, if you can get past all that, some very basic graphics and other flaws, you'll have found that the core of this game - the gameplay is absolutely brilliant and rather addictive.

Shaolin Monks is a far kry (sorry, couldn't help it) from all the MKs in that it's a 3rd person action-brawler as opposed to a 2D (or 3D) fighting game. At the most basic level, you maul your way through the stages, solve some simple puzzles (usually involving decapitation, disembowelment, or a kombination of both) and face a boss or two. Then you rinse and repeat. With such a tedious formula in tow, one might suspect that the game would lose its appeal within a few hours. Not so in Shaolin Monks. The game may fail in terms of presentation, but it makes up for it in bucket-loads when it comes to that extremely elusive facet that makes a title truly memorable: the fun factor. MK: SM is undeniably, unabashedly and utterly fun.

Enemy AI is just right; they're obviously kind of stupid, but still smart enough to provide a challenge. But in essence they are simply cannon fodder for you to go wild with! The fighting mechanics are very refined allowing you to combine a plethora of punches, kicks, uppercuts and classic MK moves to create your own eye candy. Once you start racking up the EXP points, you can unlock more viscerally satisfying attacks and specials. From the very beginning you have access to moves like Liu Kang's fireballs and Kung Lao's teleportation attacks. Being able to mix these moves into the kombat (last time, I promise) is what makes it so fun! You start off with an initial attack, punching the enemy twice, but then you follow up with an uppercut and send him flying. Just before he falls down, you loft him again but this time you teleport, appear above him and then send him back down with a flurry of kicks to the face. All this is standard in most action games, but it's the MK pedigree that sets this one apart. Ergo, given the nature of MK and its love for showcasing extreme violence, the game becomes even more enticing. The hits are accentuated with unnecessarily loud sound effects and the enemies keep spewing oversized gobs of claret. For some reason, it just feels satisfying hitting away at these hapless idiots! Of course, what's a MK without violent finishers aka Fatalities? Thankfully, you'll have learned the first of many Fatalities within ten minutes of playing. When initiated, everyone freezes and a cutscene plays of your avatar slicing, dicing, mutilating or performing some unspeakably evil act of sadism on the poor buffoon. Guilty pleasure? Hell yeah. Since the game lists the Fatalities you've learnt, there's no second-guessing. In fact the game comprehensively lists all your available movesets so if you're having trouble remembering, just pause and check them out. After a few skims, the moves become second nature so you can keep doling out the pain. You can also pick up and use weapons; these parts are particularly cruel since, much like the Fatalities, the right combinations of attacks will see you chop your adversaries in half (and into more pieces on some occasions!) with their guts spilling out all over the place. Later on, far more carnage is offered in the form of vicious Brutalities and crazier Multalities. MK is definitely not for the weak of heart!

While the Single Player mode is undeniably enjoyable, the “Ko-op” mode is just a blast. Plug in a second controller and play the whole game with a friend or a sibling. The rewards are far more satisfying! Not only can you unlock Ko-op-only secrets but the teamwork element during combat is utterly gratifying. You'll be thrilled when your brother's Liu Kang pops up a grunt with his trademark uppercut only to have the guy's head chopped right off when you use Kung Lao's razor-hat toss. Bosses are no longer unreasonably tough when you get to double-team on them with far more wicked combination attacks that mix-and-match the abilities of Earthrealm's two champions. Need I mention visually arresting Ko-Op attacks that are initiated when your energy bars are full or the fact that there's always a healthy bit of competition when going for the EXP and life orbs?

All of this constitutes into an experience that's far more fulfilling than the sum of its parts and if you have a second kontroller (okay, this is the last one ^_^) and someone willing to play, you owe it to yourself to go through the entire game in Ko-Op mode - it'll be a time worth remembering!

The Cracks of Doom

The Cracks of Doom

By Le Chupacabra

The World as we know it is rife with the mysterious, the unknown and the weird. How were the Pyramids erected? What sinister power curses the Bermuda Triangle? Why the hell did the Sumerians go and invent school? Answers that, ultimately, may remain... unanswered.

Even in our little motherland of Bangladesh, we are besieged by that which we know not of. But beyond ghosts, djinns and other horrific folklore there lies a greater evil. A place of utter horror, steeped in a sickly darkness from which there is no escape. The pungent odours there are enough to melt the very skin off your flesh. These are The Cracks of Doom...

...the Deshi

...Sewers.

An intrepid and brave (and utterly gullible) group of explorers from the organization known only as the Rising Stars decided to face this peril to bring back news to the outer world.

So what unspeakable evils did we find in those putrid depths? Read on…

Teenage Mutant Nin… er… Ganja Turtles

TMNT got cancelled a long time back both here and abroad. Why? Well we asked the former prime time stars while trying not to get high on the mass quantities of rotten, old Ganja these guys… erm… reptiles were smoking. Theirs’ was a tragedy of getting lost in the Big Sewers of the Big Apple. Since they were going for authenticity for a particular episode, they filmed in a real sewer. It wasn’t long until they Michelangelo, driven insane by the smell of pizza (now he admits it was probably something else), followed his nose. The others followed up. They ended up near a huge waterfall pipe which was conjoined to the International Sewer Route®… and you know where this is going, right? Suffice to say, that’s sort of what their story sounded like. It was hard enough not to feel high when surrounded by brown, intoxicating smoke, but then they’d be using “dude!” after every two words followed by “Cowabunga!” at the end of every sentence. Our translators had to work through the Witching Hour® to decipher this stuff. Applaud them! Sadly the TMGTs were starting to get a little rowdy and began flailing around their weapons like little kids. It was definitely the time to move on.

Underground Bands

Ah, yes. The most sought out profession of this teenage generation: being the member of an ‘underground’ band. Of course all isn’t about head-banging and becoming ridiculously hirsute. There are those who have tasted fame and stayed up at the top. And there are those who slipped on the proverbial banana peel and have fallen in poop. We’re not naming any names. Seeing more Ganja smoke in the tunnels led us to believe that the TMGT were back to maul us, but no there was something else. A lot of drawling, ‘I-think-I’m-American/I’m-a-pure-Bangalee’ voices were drifting towards us. And then, an utterly detestable cacophony of what some might call ‘music’ assaulted our very ears. We rushed to the scene, afraid that some lost soul was being tortured to death by a group of savage Sewer Dwellers®. We were wrong. Clad in tattered black clothes, faded (but now green, due to reasons that cannot be printed) jeans and tangled, horrifying locks of hair, they lay haplessly on the floor. They were the Rejected. Some were instantly recognisable – they had, after all, been in the limelight for the duration of an entire song. Otherwise it was like The Attack of Stoned Cloned. Some had broken instruments on their laps and were attacking them with vigour causing them to emit screeching noises not unlike the ones people hear just before being run over by a truck. And the ones without the tools? They were head-banging in complete and perfect sync with each other. It was like some cult and it was scarier than the blue poop our rear-lookout found – now, that was scary. Suffice to say, even the Ku Klux Klan would have found it disturbing.

BBQ (Bangla-Bhai-Qaeda) Coalition HQ

Yes, people have been speculating for years and they’re right! Al-Qaeda’s Bangladesh branch office is indeed one born of a joint venture. Known only as the BBQ Coalition HQ, what better location could one think of for maintaining secrecy than our Deshi Sewers? The people there were quite nice actually! They even acquiesced to use silenced rifles should we ‘see too much’. According to the BBQ representative, the Deshi Sewers provide perfect cover from even the most sophisticated of surveillance tools. Even the most powerful satellite sees the region as a sickening green hue. Reconnaissance robots’ electronically integrated systems immediately fail upon contact with the ever-permeating odour. He commended the ‘deshi people for adapting to such a lethal, noxious fume. Contrary to popular belief, there are manholes in the sewer floor which are there for maintaining ‘liveable’ standards in such a place. These are opened up whenever the USA sends over covert ops specialists. The current body count stands at 67. At one point the man pulled out an AK-47 and asked us whether we’d like to buy any. He agreed to throw in ‘fake’, metal-tipped bullets for free. We graciously (while muttering any and all prayers we could remember) managed to leave (with all limbs intact) with a simple ‘BBQ or Bust… literally’ support button each. Oh, and a fake beard apiece as well.

The Mole-men Conspiracy

They have always been there, yet we of the outer world lack the high level of perception to see them. A race as old as the sewers themselves, the Mole-men have toiled endlessly to make sure we never forget the existence of the underground. Sewage over-spills, stolen manhole covers (which cause people to fall through during floods) and the fermented vapours that emanate forth are all their doing. Standing 4-foot high, their entire bodies are covered in various waste materials, with many an appendage sticking out from awkward angles and erm… places. Only their shockingly shiny eyes and blinding white teeth betray an otherwise indiscernible camouflage. When asked, they smiled in their usual terrifying manner and declared that no bacteria can stand the cleansing power of raw sewage – thus, their pearly whites of legend. Each one is equipped with what appears to be a toilet brush. Muddied by god-knows-what (okay, fine… you know what it is) it is right of passage for this members of this faction. Frequent tournaments are held to see who possesses the highest level of skill with their weapon. Around then, their smiles grew more maniacal and they began to spar and brandish their tools with a flourish. Definitely a good time to leg it, sharpish.

Pirates of the Seven Sea…wers

We sensed the waters (if you want to call it that) swell as if in turmoil and realised… something (although everything here could be classified as ‘something’) was approaching. And it appeared. A ‘magnificent’ craft hewn solely from things unmentionable was approaching us at great speed. A song heralding death broke forth and we suddenly knew what it was: pirates! Alas! It was too late and we were inevitably caught face to face… with small, bespectacled little chaps. Instead of a Jolly Roger there was a CD flapping in the wind and it seemed to be on fire. These were no mere pirates; they were heroes! Thanks to them we have been spared the absurdity of paying (gasp!) full price for our CDs and DVDs. Working endlessly into the night, the pir@tes (as they declare themselves as) churn out hundreds, nay thousands of pir@ted™ discs every month. Our ‘deshi shopkeepers have had many a quota fulfilled thanks to this brave group. The leader, a grizzled veteran with an eye-patch made of what was once a pink Verbatim CD-R, told us that the RIAA and other anti-piracy lobbies had tracked them down and threatened them with billion-dollar lawsuits. How did the Pir@tes respond? Everyone began giant belly laughs unbecoming of their stature and the leader silently mouthed something and all of them became quiet. ‘E-mail Spam’ he said. We bowed graciously and took our leave. Things were starting to get on the hairy side. Yes, hairier than the Underground band members we confronted, if possible.

Should you ever wish to embark upon a journey requiring the highest levels of testicular fortitude and one that will test the mettle, physical and mental, of anyone… then traverse to the Deshi Sewers. It’s an expedition of a lifetime and the memories will be seared in your mind (and nose) for an eternity. For now, we of the organisation known only as the Rising Stars bid you farewell. Adieu!

The Grinch and the Spirit of Eid

The Grinch and the Spirit of Eid

By Le Chupacabra

Waking up that early in the morning is bad enough... but waking up to take a freezing cold shower?

Insanity is the word.

I mean, sure, you wait for an entire month (give or take a day) for that very occasion. Expensive clothes are purchased, tantalising dishes are made and stocked away in the fridge and wallets/purses are emptied for the influx of more green stuff. Yeah, that's right. It's none other than Eid-ul-Fitr.

Not to insult the religion or anyone, sometimes one thinks that as time goes on even a simple, enjoyable occasion like this can get bogged down with too many... um... attachments. That begs the question: are there too many strings attached in order to make Eid-ul-Fitr a truly joyous celebration?

Firstly, there's the unnecessary task of visiting various tailors and seamstresses all for the purpose of having them craft seven to eight pieces of overtly extravagant apparel that one will don only for a day or two. Okay, maybe they will garb themselves in those very vestments once all memory on the part of others has faded, but by that time, they'll have amassed yet another wardrobe of items. Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Of course, there are also the pre-Eid preparations that go on for three to four nights prior to the occasion. Sweet delectables of innumerable colours and shapes are everywhere in the kitchen and recall descriptions from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’. Yet sadly, the bulk of these end up un-devoured and are relegated to becoming tea-time snacks long after Eid has passed. Mountains of pulao, biriyani and ritualistic accompaniments such as roasts, thick daal and other items are cooked to perfection and gloriously laid out in the finest platters available. Hey, I wouldn't dream of complaining about this! But thinking from the perspective of the mothers (and domestic staff) who toil away till 2AM at night, I don't think it's a very enjoyable thing. It certainly looks great, smells great and it sure as hell tastes fantastic, but after you've spent so long being bombarded with the same aroma for hours, the palatability is certainly lower for them. Plus, the fact is our moms set aside their daily activities to channel their energies in order to work like maniacs so that others can eat happily the next day. Routine? Yes, but it's also unnecessarily tiring methinks. All that work for one single day?

Then there's the whole task of Eidis. Normally I don't mind what I get, but I've seen the little ones look utterly depressed when a single, crisp 500Tk note is lovingly given to them. Yeah, at one time, the kids were bothered about how many notes they got regardless of monetary value, but with these new, cheeky little monkeys, it seems they've figured out the art of value. It's funny albeit annoying to see an 8-year old moping in a corner on glorious Eid day just because his Eidi haul was unsatisfactory. What happened to just enjoying Eid for the heck of it?

Going back to the first sentence, there are my personal qualms as well: the hours just before the Imam breaks the ice by announcing Eid. Waking up early in the morning is not my forte, and when there's a free, icy cold shower offer attached to the deal, it's doubly annoying. Personally, I hate the payjama-panjabi dress combination: it’s just bloody annoying. Having to wrestle myself into a pair while being half-asleep is none too enjoyable an experience. Since the mosque we go to commences the prayers before the others, we need to get there fast and early. I still wonder if I’ve said the niyaat right for the past few years since I was usually drowsing off most of the time.

Having said all that, I once again thought of the question I asked: are there too many strings attached in order to make Eid-ul-Fitr a truly joyous celebration? Maybe so. However, once you get home from the mosque and come home to spend the rest of the day eating, drinking, laughing and generally having a truly enjoyable time with your friends and family, you realise all those niggles and annoyances are just insubstantial. So the true answer to that question is a resounding and heartfelt ‘NO!’ because in the end, Eid’s all about the love, innit?

So for all of you people out there… Eid grumblers included…

Eid Mubarak!